The Son is One

Dear Connor-

I'm not sure when you will be mature enough to use the internet and what it will look like at that time, so I have no idea if you will ever see this message.  In case you do, there are some things you should know.  I've assembled these thoughts here for both of us to be able to read in the future, perhaps together... and/or if ever met with a troubling time.

I am writing this note because today you turn one year old, meaning you were born just one year ago.  Of the 365 days you've spent on the planet, I've been right there with you all but one of them.  They have been some of the saddest, yet some of the happiest days of my life, in such a short span of time.  It has been a year filled with some very challenging and very informative moments that truly tested my patience and my confidence in my ability to be a good parent to you.  Conversely, there have been many memories to cherish.

In one year, you learned to crawl and walk, you learned to play with so many different toys with varying degrees of difficulty and dexterity, you've learned to laugh and smile, you've learned to cry when you're feeling alone, you've learned to communicate some emotions (although not yet with intelligible language), you've learned to reciprocate feelings, and so many skills that you've surpassed that I have already forgotten about.

There is one thing I know for sure.  Ever since I met you my life has changed dramatically for the better.  I've learned patience (still working on that...ask mom), I've learned how to help another human survive, and most importantly I really truly learned the value of unconditional love.  If I could tell you anything you didn't already know from me showing it, I guess I would say "thank you" for "teaching" me something new everyday and bringing out what I never realized I had inside of me.

Your mom and I are so proud of you and love you more than mere words can express.  I am overjoyed to have you in my life and I am honored that I get the privilege of calling you my son.  I promise I will always be there for you and I will never, ever, let you know abandonment.  I cannot wait to teach you newer skills, to watch every phase of your growth, to hold your hand, and to help mold you into a wonderful man.  Just please promise that despite your innocence you will continue to teach and guide me the same way you have in this your first.

You're an amazing little boy and I love you with all of my heart and all of my soul... forever and always.

Love, Dad

Melancholy

It must have been when I was thrust into adulthood, forced to become a man, that I began to guard my emotions, especially feelings of sadness and pain. Growing up with periodic disappointment has a way of doing that to a lad. Luckily technology and the internet have evolved alongside and provided me with an avenue for which to express myself emotionally, especially in times of sadness and pain. 

If you're reading this you probably already know that great tragedy has befallen my family this past weekend. If not, it is with a heavy heart that I even have to type that my uncle Tony had passed away. He was only 50 years old and is survived by his two twin daughters - who are only 10 years old. I can't begin to describe my feelings because I haven't even had a chance to figure them all out yet, but I can say with the utmost certainty that I am sad... beyond sad. I try not to cloud my thoughts with my own emotions because, besides all the wonderful memories playing themselves out over and over again in my head, all I can think about is how devastated his daughters must be. Their stability and strength is the most important thing to take from this. That said, I have to share a few things. 

Those who've known me since childhood know I love my uncle very much. He is the most important man in my life. My biological father didn't have time for me while I was a child or before he died, so Tony was the closest thing I had and he filled that void wonderfully. He was a great friend and teacher but wasn't too shy to rule with an iron fist (figuratively). I learned a lot about discipline, fishing, baseball, four-wheelers, and the Three Stooges and I owe so much of my successes in life to the values he instilled in me at such an impressionable period within a budding man. As much as he values his relationship with his daughters and their willingness to play tomboy often enough to put a smile on his face, I know that he considered me that son he never had. 

As I got older and more independent as a person, I gave less and less time to Tony. I know he always wanted things to be like the old days but it's hard to juggle the attention seekers in your life, especially through teenage years and as a young adult. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I'd liked to have given some more of that time back, as I now realize how precious it was. I'm very glad that Tony had one opportunity to meet my infant son before he passed. I could tell he loved little Connor despite not even knowing him that well or getting to see him any other time than Christmas Eve - he showed it very openly, especially at the end. 

Fifty is far too few years to spend on this planet in this day and age. And ten is far too young to bury a parent. The full-circle in this is that parents should not have to bury their babies, and babies should not have to bury their parents. I also feel very sorry for my grandparents - as a new parent myself, I could never imagine and never want to imagine the pain and suffering one must feel when their child dies, especially as they watch the life leave his eyes, despite their ages. I hope they can stay strong through this and join me in celebrating the many memories. 

Tony was such a great spirit and literally liked everyone and everything. He was always so happy and willing to help anyone out around him - that's why he had so many friends. He touched a lot of lives. Those who spent the most time around him surely saw him at his best and his worst. Despite any shortcomings, those are the ones who will miss him the most. It should not go unmentioned that Tony was not without his health issues. As his nephew, friend, and confidant I wish I was strong enough to step up and have that conversation with him that no one had enough courage or clout to get to sink in. I don't need to say too much else on the subject, I'll just leave it as a moment of clarity and deep reflection and a series of mistakes not to be repeated. 

Anyway, I don't want to burden you all any longer with my thoughts. I appreciate any and all well-wishes but I don't need a series of texts, calls, comments, likes, or otherwise to make me feel better. I will be just fine and I am far from the one hurting the most today. I look forward to mourning in peace and gaining final closure while watching my uncle be laid in his final resting place. It will be bittersweet to see him that one last time and I will be disappointed if the funeral director doesn't situate his cheeks and lips into that familiar grin - but I suppose I'm being nostalgic and that isn't the best idea.

To Tony... if you could read this or even hear my thoughts I'd want you to know that I look forward to seeing you again, old buddy. You meant more to me than I'd ever let you know and I love you with my whole heart. I promise to treat Connor as well as you treated me and I'll tell him stories about you all the time, and I hope he looks at me with at least half the admiration that I did you. I will miss you dearly - our chats on football Sunday, about running our businesses, and whatever else would come up.  I cherish every moment - good, bad, or indifferent - and will never forget you or our relationship as long as I live, and hopefully even on into death.  Rest in Peace, pal.  
Love always, Buzz. xoxoxo 

In memory of Anthony Wayne Turner ... 12/06/62 - 02/10/2013

Goodbye, Dear Friend

This morning is somewhat bittersweet. The feeling in the air is somber...because the Skipfiniti has a new owner (breathe). The picture above is the last one I will ever take with her. Sure, I have a smile on my face... perhaps due to the venture ahead, onward with the set of wheels that is (I say begrudgingly) "replacing" her... perhaps due to the value I was offered way above reasonable expectations. Regardless, I am sad to see her go and the grin is nothing short of a facade. Those of you that knew me before or at the time I bought this car have known me for a long time. She is a '99 Infiniti G20, fully loaded. She and I met in 2002 at a cramped pre-owned lot at Dean Team Kirkwood in the St. Louis suburbs. Back then I traded in my prized '91 Nissan 240SX - it was a trade up. I was in the market for something to make me look the part of a successful young eligible bachelor... enter the good times. I have a LOT of memories with this car. I've been driving it for over 10+ years, so by my quick calculation (seeing that I am just shy of my 31st birthday) for one-third of my life! Hell, I've only had my driver's license for 15 years, so I've had this car 200% longer than all the other (3) cars I had before her! The Skipfiniti has gotten me home on the wings of angels quite a few more times than I'd like to admit. However, most of the memories are positive - and quite a few of you have shared in these good times with us. We have been to Gulf Shores, Al and Pensacola, Fl, KC, Chicago, StL, Springfield, Branson, Lake of the Ozarks, and more places than I can remember... Those of you who are reading may have been driven to one of these places, driven home, or just tagged along around town. I invite all of you to join me in wishing her well on her next journey and hope that she gets the love and care that she deserves and has so greatly earned. The Skipfiniti, sadly to say, was not in her best shape when we parted ways - it pains me to admit that. She was dirty, had some mechanical and physical issues, and was in desperate need of regularly-scheduled maintenance. It was such a risky box to be inside that not only did I feel unsafe driving around town for work, but since we found out that Kristen was pregnant, I wouldn't even allow her to ride in it. The car hasn't been driven more than 50 miles on one trip in over a year. When I said goodbye, her odometer read just over 166k - but her engine is solid and she has kept on ticking (in a good way). Had I taken better care of her, I know I could have gotten many more miles. However, every once in a while in the life the "plan" changes and we're required to make decisions that not only impact ourselves, but involve one or more other humans that must rely on us for our ability to make such decisions and the quality of which we do so. Our currently expanding family is the main reason to make this move, and to upsize to a new family vehicle. We've chosen a more practical and kid-friendly car and I just hope she produces as many if not more great moments as my Skipfiniti... Goodbye, old girl. Godspeed and good luck. You'll be missed. With love- Your previous driver

Baby J Update

Hello, all, and welcome back for another exciting update on the progress of Baby Jackson #1. So far so good. Baby is still cooking away in mama's midsection. We're greatly anticipating the arrival of our little peanut and the realness is starting to kick in. As of this writing, Kristen is almost 30 weeks along in her pregnancy. If you're doing the math at home, you know that puts her well into her 3rd trimester and now only just a short trip down the home stretch (albeit we want that thing to reach full term). We had a Dr appt this past week for another checkup, which was brought on by a previous checkup 2 weeks prior where we were given a very minor "scare" (if you want to call it that). Kristen was measuring a little large at the earlier of the two so the Dr wanted to see her again sooner than scheduled. Obviously this put us into a bit of a two-week tizzy about why and what... We made the cardinal mistake of "googling" this condition and held our breath until this most recent appt. When we went back everything was measuring fine, heart rate was good, etc. Of course I made sure I was at this visit in case there was some news about that engorgement - but everything seems to be back on track. I suppose, not unlike its father, this baby is already a good eater. However, as a point of keeping the comic relief, I like to maintain that it was gas... :) We had 1 of 2 baby showers 2 weekends ago. This one was in St. Louis and was a bit earlier due to the travel and Kristen's ever-growing inability to do so. Special thanks, by the way, to everyone who was able to make it out and contribute to what (already) seems like a veritable money pit... oh well - money well spent, I suppose. Anyway I had a good time catching up and I know it was nice for Kristen to see some good friends and family. So now the baby has a lot of nice new things! Shower #2 will be local and we're as eagerly anticipating another fun event... and some more baby swag! It's like the baby's first birthday party! So now that we have all this nice stuff we've been putting the finishing touches on the place to store most of it. The nursery is near completion! I painted it a few weeks ago and the furniture that we ordered arrived last week. We also added a nice area rug as an accent and to soften up and contrast with the hardwood floors. The one we got turned out to be too small, but we love it in there and there is one size larger so we just need to replace that in our spare time (when I'm not goofing around on the internet). We also ordered some artwork which is very befitting of an androgynous nursery... The decor includes a light green, almost yellowish-green wall color, a bright green rug, chocolate crib, dresser, and chest, and the artwork which will match the bedding of an earthy, autumnal color palette. We're excited to see this all come together. Seeing that empty bed and furniture really hits home that a human will be living there shortly. So that's where we are for now. Hope to give out a few more updates over these next two months. In the meantime we hope to get to see everyone one last time before we go into hiding ;)...

Kitchen Remodel - Phase by Phase

So this little guy has kept me busy for the past month. Above is a slideshow of the progress of construction throughout the remodel of my kitchen. I started this project by doing the design (obviously) and demo myself. I then enlisted the help of some trusted subcontractors for carpentry, electrical, drywall, and countertops. I also did the painting, plumbing, hardware installation, and appliance hookup myself. You may notice that the backsplash is incomplete. You may also have noticed that some of the wood flooring is a different color. Both of these minor projects will be completed in the not-too-distant future, but I wanted to get this kitchen back to serviceable condition asap, and share this album in the meantime. For now I will be moving along to my next project -- the nursery. So please take 5 minutes and enjoy the slideshow. If you'd like to slow down and see the pictures more closely, you can go directly to the online album at the address below. Enjoy! https://picasaweb.google.com/106513156747812293526/KitchenRemodelPhaseByPhase?authuser=0&authkey=Gv1sRgCNeuqYiKvYqlngE&feat=directlink

Half way to Fatherhood

I warned you all this would happen. I promise the next post will be something not baby-related. However, we've hit a milestone in the pregnancy so aside from the typical facebook status update, I thought I'd take a few moments to elaborate and share some news. Today is Thursday, June 7, 2012. Last night Kristen had her 20-week ultrasound, which included a full fetal scan (almost typed 'fecal' there... could you imagine?!). Although the "results" of said scan are yet to be known, an unofficial review of the measurements seemed to be right on par with the average/appropriate point of Baby Jackson's development. We'll know for sure in a week or so, but we feel a lot better having seen the baby move, the heartbeat, umbilical cord, and counted all fingers, toes, arms, legs, organs, brain hemispheres, etc. We're not expecting any huge surprises or disappointments when we hear from the Dr. As many of you know, another major potential discovery from such a scan is that the gender of the baby can likely be determined. After much waffling and talking to others and each other, we decided before the appointment that we would let it be a surprise during the birth. However, we also both admitted that we'd be looking during the ultrasound and if we saw something, we saw it and we'd be okay with that. Alas! the images we saw were pretty much inconclusive. The technician mentioned that even if we wanted to know she probably wouldn't be able to tell. Apparently Baby Jackson is a bit restless - go figure considering the parents... So we did get to see him/her moving all around but the legs stayed together and the genital region covered and remaining in darkness most of the time. So I guess we were granted our wish in not finding out, but truth be told I would not have been disappointed to "accidentally" get the news. Looks like we'll have to wait until October for that one... and it also looks like a unisex decorating effort for the nursery! I guess the next step IS the nursery. We've already been doing some research, but need to hit it harder now that we're past the halfway mark. I suppose once that 3rd trimester rolls around in a few weeks I'll be transforming our empty bedroom into a baby utopia outfitted with all the goods and necessities... So that's all for now. I'll be in touch soon. -me

Hey-ooooo

Hello, world. Remember me? I'm the guy that used to write these hilarious antidotes on a weekly or monthly basis. Well it seemed I've slipped over the past 8 or so months, but I'm back by popular demand (thanks, Bridget). I guess the reason for my prolonged absence can be attributed to facebook... thanks a lot, Mark Fuckerberg! Those bastards have made it so easy to just jump on (even from your mobile phone!!) and say "hi" to the world... and your friends and family can see it immediately and respond instantaneously! It's actually pretty cool, but I do miss this opportunity to express myself in writing - and of course give the world the benefit of my excellent story-telling. So, since my last post I would say a lot has happened... probably the most life-changing milestones you can imagine in one span of less than a year. Here's a rundown. First, I turned 30. Thanks for everyone that came out bowling... it was a blast and nice to be surrounded by good friends. I moved to Darien, IL - where we purchased our first single-family home. My first escapade in home ownership was a townhouse in St. Louis where I lost my ass selling it, You may remember that story. I love suburb living, even though some of my pals make fun and accuse me of moving to Iowa... it's just a tad further east than that, but I won't lie, it's a hike back into the City. I do make my way back to Chicago for work and play at least once a week so I really do enjoy the best of both worlds. The conveniences of living near so many of my regular needs (stores, restaurants, etc) and being able to park in my garage when I get home is priceless. Not to mention that Jake (65lb furry baby) LOVES playing in his big grassy backyard. I also get to work out of my house because in addition to the 4 bedrooms, there is a large office where I can work peacefully and maintain self-employment. So overall it's been a pretty solid move. I've also gotten some home improvements done to the house - updating some of the decor from the early 80s to modern tastes. I've ripped out some paneling and replaced drywall, replaced the garage door and mailbox, and added some new furnishings. I have also redesigned the very updated kitchen and am in the process of obtaining all of the pieces to undergo that rather large project. I'm really looking forward to the finished product and will be posted photos along the way (on facebook, of course). After that, next on the agenda is outdoor upgrades including a new paver patio and wood deck - but those will wait until next year. We did also have a mini-vacation scattered in there. For the superbowl, we took a 4-day trip out to Las Vegas. It was a blast and we're so glad we committed to it. We got to watch the Giants beat the Patriots again and we did it int he environs of the greatest casinos and nightlife in the US. I suppose the biggest bit of news is that we found out we're expecting our first child - on or around Oct. 24 this year. I think everyone knows this so it's not really news, but it's important enough that it bears repeating. Of course we're super excited and eagerly anticipate the arrival of our new bundle of joy and a little brother or sister for Jake. At the time of this writing we're just shy of 20 weeks. We'll have an ultrasound appointment soon and at that time we have the option to find out the gender of our baby. After much deliberation I think we've decided to keep this first one a surprise. I think it will not only be a fun surprise but will also help Kristen throughout the birthing process. So now that we're at this point, we're just now getting started with preparing our nursery. We've got another big challenge ahead of us with regard to design and furnishing of another room in the house - this time for our androgynous little package. Obviously we'll be keeping it neutral and I'm thinking ducks and frogs will be a major theme at the beginning. That's just phase 1 and we've got such a long road ahead before Baby Jackson arrives, so we're taking it all in stride, one step at a time. With all of this going on, please forgive the blog posts being few and far between, as you've grown accustomed. Also, please excuse me if this turns into a baby update blog, which if anything that is most likely to happen. At least this gives me an avenue for writing and updating at a longer clip than is practical for a facebook status update. Also a big deterrent for updating this blog has been my work schedule. Things picked up a little bit for a while there and I remain steady with work and hope to continue on a good pace to keep the doors open at cj architect, inc. So that's all for now, folks. I hope you've enjoyed the update and I hope you missed me and are excited to see a post after such a long sabbatical. I'll be back in touch just as soon as I find the time and the inspiration. Bye.