Melancholy

It must have been when I was thrust into adulthood, forced to become a man, that I began to guard my emotions, especially feelings of sadness and pain. Growing up with periodic disappointment has a way of doing that to a lad. Luckily technology and the internet have evolved alongside and provided me with an avenue for which to express myself emotionally, especially in times of sadness and pain. 

If you're reading this you probably already know that great tragedy has befallen my family this past weekend. If not, it is with a heavy heart that I even have to type that my uncle Tony had passed away. He was only 50 years old and is survived by his two twin daughters - who are only 10 years old. I can't begin to describe my feelings because I haven't even had a chance to figure them all out yet, but I can say with the utmost certainty that I am sad... beyond sad. I try not to cloud my thoughts with my own emotions because, besides all the wonderful memories playing themselves out over and over again in my head, all I can think about is how devastated his daughters must be. Their stability and strength is the most important thing to take from this. That said, I have to share a few things. 

Those who've known me since childhood know I love my uncle very much. He is the most important man in my life. My biological father didn't have time for me while I was a child or before he died, so Tony was the closest thing I had and he filled that void wonderfully. He was a great friend and teacher but wasn't too shy to rule with an iron fist (figuratively). I learned a lot about discipline, fishing, baseball, four-wheelers, and the Three Stooges and I owe so much of my successes in life to the values he instilled in me at such an impressionable period within a budding man. As much as he values his relationship with his daughters and their willingness to play tomboy often enough to put a smile on his face, I know that he considered me that son he never had. 

As I got older and more independent as a person, I gave less and less time to Tony. I know he always wanted things to be like the old days but it's hard to juggle the attention seekers in your life, especially through teenage years and as a young adult. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I'd liked to have given some more of that time back, as I now realize how precious it was. I'm very glad that Tony had one opportunity to meet my infant son before he passed. I could tell he loved little Connor despite not even knowing him that well or getting to see him any other time than Christmas Eve - he showed it very openly, especially at the end. 

Fifty is far too few years to spend on this planet in this day and age. And ten is far too young to bury a parent. The full-circle in this is that parents should not have to bury their babies, and babies should not have to bury their parents. I also feel very sorry for my grandparents - as a new parent myself, I could never imagine and never want to imagine the pain and suffering one must feel when their child dies, especially as they watch the life leave his eyes, despite their ages. I hope they can stay strong through this and join me in celebrating the many memories. 

Tony was such a great spirit and literally liked everyone and everything. He was always so happy and willing to help anyone out around him - that's why he had so many friends. He touched a lot of lives. Those who spent the most time around him surely saw him at his best and his worst. Despite any shortcomings, those are the ones who will miss him the most. It should not go unmentioned that Tony was not without his health issues. As his nephew, friend, and confidant I wish I was strong enough to step up and have that conversation with him that no one had enough courage or clout to get to sink in. I don't need to say too much else on the subject, I'll just leave it as a moment of clarity and deep reflection and a series of mistakes not to be repeated. 

Anyway, I don't want to burden you all any longer with my thoughts. I appreciate any and all well-wishes but I don't need a series of texts, calls, comments, likes, or otherwise to make me feel better. I will be just fine and I am far from the one hurting the most today. I look forward to mourning in peace and gaining final closure while watching my uncle be laid in his final resting place. It will be bittersweet to see him that one last time and I will be disappointed if the funeral director doesn't situate his cheeks and lips into that familiar grin - but I suppose I'm being nostalgic and that isn't the best idea.

To Tony... if you could read this or even hear my thoughts I'd want you to know that I look forward to seeing you again, old buddy. You meant more to me than I'd ever let you know and I love you with my whole heart. I promise to treat Connor as well as you treated me and I'll tell him stories about you all the time, and I hope he looks at me with at least half the admiration that I did you. I will miss you dearly - our chats on football Sunday, about running our businesses, and whatever else would come up.  I cherish every moment - good, bad, or indifferent - and will never forget you or our relationship as long as I live, and hopefully even on into death.  Rest in Peace, pal.  
Love always, Buzz. xoxoxo 

In memory of Anthony Wayne Turner ... 12/06/62 - 02/10/2013